1. That pesky cerebrum-blowing incessant buzzing sound coming from the TV set. “Babe, something’s wrong with the TV,” my wife said Saturday. But there wasn’t anything wrong. It was the dreaded vuvuzelas, the yard-long plastic horns (voo-voo-zella) that South African fans blow all the time, without rhyme nor reason, when something is happening and when it’s not (it’s usually not), during timeouts and time ins, during halftime and at the breakfast table and while they’re on the bus and while doing their taxes, until you just want to stab two fondue forks deep into your ears and stir. They never stop. It’s like having a desk in the center cubicle at American Bee, Inc. They sound like 80,000 yaks getting sick. They are the leading cause of Tylenol sales in the world today.

Alright, raise your hand if you thought he’d start with the vuvuzelas?  Yeah, me too.  Hell, everyone hates them.  Except Ohio State, who wanted to use them at their home date with Penn State in the fall. It’s a low drone that eminates from the television, but it certainly doesn’t make me “want to stab two fondue forks deep into [my] ears and stir.”  Ever spend more than 30 seconds at a park playground after school lets out?  That’s an annoying sound.  A baby crying is an anoying sound.  A low drone?  Mildly annoying at first, but after a game I barely notice them.  In fact, when listening to the games at work I can still use crowd noise to gauge when I should pull the video up and risk being caught by the boss.  I’ve yet to watch anyone eat breakfast.

2. The embarrassing photographer bibs the guys on the bench have to wear during the game. They’re very purple and dorky. My God, who knew you could make a World Cup team and be made to look like a geek? Hey, are you on the American national soccer squad or do you throw bags for Northwest Airlines?

Who knew you could make a world cup team and be made to look like a geek?  According to soccer haters, making the team MAKES you a geek.  But I digress.  Really, Rick?  The bibs draw your ire?  What about basketball warmups?  Baseball pitchers that run the bases in jackets?  Or sit in the dugout with one shoulder in the sleeve, the rest of the jacket behind them?  I just don’t understand this one.  This is more of a “hey, I’ve never seen this before!” comment, not so much a complaint.  And do baggers for Northwest Airlines wear purple dorky vests?  I thought airplane baggers wore reflective vests…you know, for safety.

3. The Twinkie-fingered gloves goalkeepers wear. No wonder the English goalkeeper allowed that easy shot to give America a 1-1 tie in the Group C opener. You couldn’t stop a beach ball with those big goofy things. What, is Hamburger Helper a sponsor? Why must they be so huge? Doesn’t Roger Rabbit need them back? And where do the batteries go? How are goalkeepers expected to hang on to the ball with them on? And is it difficult to play goalie while also taking things out of the oven?

Twinkie-fingered gloves?  What about the leather-face gloves that baseball players wear, or the zebra fingered gloves football players wear?  Is that catcher’s hand going to pull out a chainsaw and massacre my whole family?  Do Brandon Marshall’s hands belong in a sub-Saharan wildlife preserve?  At least these gloves serve a purpose: protection.  Every keeper that tips a 90 km/hr shot over the bar using the tips of three fingers can thank these “Twinkie-fingered” gloves for keeping his joints and finger-bones in 1 piece.  And where do the batteries go?  I haven’t seen any of these light up.  Did your kid write this one?  And while I’m at it, a Roger Rabbit reference?  Seriously?  What, was Dick Tracy too current?

[Bonus points here for ESPN selecting the Roger Rabbit reference as worthy of a sidebar quote.  Really.]

4. The godforsaken vuvuzelas! Make them stop! One of the charms of soccer is the singing that fans do. There is always loads of singing and chanting because every game is 1-nil, so there’s plenty of time for singing and chanting. Soccer fans sing and chant inane hilarious things like, “We are from Norway! We came on a plane! And we are very drunk!” But we don’t get to hear the singing and the chanting because of the horrible, hideous, heinous vuvuzelas! My god, they should take them into the mountainous caves region of Pakistan and play them until Osama bin Laden comes running out, screaming, “OK, OK! I give!”

Whoa, another vuvuzela complaint.  And we’re only on #4.  So he’s had 3 complaints…well, 2 complaints and an observation…well, really, 1 complaint and 2 observations through #4.  Remember what I said about lazy writing?  Yeah.  Maybe I’ll just rewrite this column tomorrow, wait for ESPN to come calling, and then sit back and collect the checks.  Reilly isn’t cheap, I hope someday to make 1/100th of what he does for writing.  As long as we’re talking about terrorist strategies, we can just start mailing Reilly’s columns to Hamed Karzai until he agrees to clean up the corruption, then we’re in.  There, I just solved Afghanistan.  And Rick made fun of vuvuzelas.  You tell me who should be making the big bucks.

5. All the faking. I haven’t seen this much bad theater since I saw former “American Idol competitor” Ace Young starring in “Hair” on Broadway. These guys collapse as though they’ve just caught a javelin in the groin every time an opponent so much as asks them for the time. These guys make Paul Pierce look sincere. Sell it somewhere else, Sven. We live in the U.S., where hockey players pop their eye back into their socket without missing a shift. This will be the new rule when I’m made president of FIFA: If you stay on the ground longer than 30 seconds, you’re out of the game; 45, you are taken directly to the nearest hospital; 60, you get a telethon.

Alright, back to a real complaint.  Wait, hold on.  He saw Ace Young starring in Hair on Broadway?  Maybe that’s what he’s been doing instead of, you know, writing well.  And why did he feel the need to “put American Idol competitor” in quotes?  Maybe he was typing with the twinkie-gloves on, I’ll let that slide.  But here’s a complaint I have with complainers–you try dribbling a soccer ball full speed and take a small shove.  It’s not easy.  It doesn’t take much to knock a guy with the ball off balance, and he has no reason to stay upright if he feels he’s been fouled.  It’s largely the only way to draw a foul.  In the NBA I hear someone yell “AND 1!!!” every time they drive to the basket, or scream whenever they jump for a rebound.  Did Rasheed Wallace tuck a steak knife into the wasteband of his shorts?  No?  Okay, then shut up.  Players in every sport mug for calls.  Soccer could do without it, but a lot of it is reputation.

6. The yellow cards. I love the way the refs come running up to the player as though he has just taken out a chainsaw and sawed somebody’s hand off. The ref looks very stern and upset. And then all the ref does is snap his little yellow piece of paper out of his shirt pocket and stick it in the offender’s face, as though the little yellow card has some kind of superpower. As if to say, “Ha! you are powerless against my little yellow piece of paper, which shows your less-than-average marks from third grade!” I’d love to see that in the middle of an NBA fight. Can you imagine seeing some ref come running up to Rasheed Wallace after laying out Carmelo Anthony with a roundhouse right and sticking that yellow card right in his face? He’d soon be digesting it through his ear hole.

Yes, the little yellow paper does has a superpower.  It’s the same superpower that a referee putting his hands in the face of, say, Rasheed Wallace or Carmelo Anthony, and making a T has.  It means one more equivalent offense, and he’s gone.  Has any NBA referee had his hands “digested through his ear hole?” No?  Okay then.  And when has an NBA player roundhouse kicked another player?  Or a soccer player, for that matter.  When it happens, it ends up on YouTube with a million views.  It almost NEVER happens.  And you know what happened?  I’m sure after that flying kick, he was shown a red card.  That’s like two of those little yellow superpowered cards, so it must be super-superpowered!  This is another common thread among soccer haters: the players are pansies, but the fans are so violent!  The inherent contradiction goes unrecognized.  Also, do you think referees wear helmets, Rick?  Because if you just mean “ear,” that’s kinda redundant.  It’s like saying he’d have his card shoved down his mouth hole.  Though, I can think of another hole that this column should be digested through.

7. The ties. In the NFL in the past 10 years, there have been two ties. As of Tuesday morning, in the first 11 games of this World Cup, there have been five ties. You will not see more ties at a J.C. Penney’s Father’s Day sale. I hate ties. Doesn’t anybody want to win in this sport? All these ties are about as exciting as a Jonas Brothers roundtable on sex.

Doesn’t anybody want to win?  Yes, everyone wants to win. What prevents one group of people that want to win from winning is that the other group of people wants to win too.  Surely you can see where that might be an issue.  Perhaps the best analogy here is hockey–hockey resorts to shootouts to resolve ties, and that’s great when there’s an 82 game season.  The winner gets their extra point, and it’s fun for the fans.  But here?  It’s entirely unncessary.  You’re telling me that if the Charlotte Bobcats played the Los Angeles Lakers and the game ended in a tie, they wouldn’t be happy with that if there were some structure that rewarded it in place?  I’d say they would.  When you’re playing a team that you perceive to be better than you, a tie isn’t half bad.  As someone on Twitter said (and if you can remember who, I’ll gladly credit them) after the USA / England game: “this isn’t a ‘kissing-your-sister’ tie, this is a ‘kissing-your-sister’s-h0t-friend’ tie.” A tie is better than a loss, but not as good as a win.  If you’re expected to lose, a tie ain’t half bad.

8. The World Cup itself. Really? All this running and vuvuzela-ing and pulling off shirts for that trophy? It looks like somebody soldered it together in their basement — after drinking a handle of Jack Daniel’s. It looks like something you’d use to prop open your Tuff Shed door during spring cleaning. It’s gold and small and looks like somebody accidentally melted it somewhere along the way. I mean, there IS chocolate in the middle of that thing, right? Maybe I just don’t get it.

Yeah, and why does my paycheck come on this really small piece of paper that has a bunch of numbers on it?  It should be a giant check like they give to the winner on a game show, dammit!  I mean, it looks like something I’d use to keep my place in a my John Grisham novel.  I think “Maybe I just don’t get it,” might be the best part of writing in this column, and we had to wait until #8 to get to it.  Way to bury the lede, Rick.  And have you seen the NBA Championship trophy?  Somebody welded the ball on crooked.  This seems appropriate right now:

1. 9. Stoppage time. Why can’t we know how much time is left? Why must it be such a mystery? Whose idea was this? Why do only the refs get to know? Wouldn’t it be more exciting if we all knew? You tell me which is more exciting:

A. “Ten seconds left now! Kaka needs to get a shot off here or it’s over! Five seconds! Kaka wheeling! Two seconds! There’s the shot! And … “

B. “Well, the ref should be calling this game shortly. A minute or two. Maybe more. Actually, I don’t know. Nigel, do you know? Kaka seems confused. He’s dribbling. Wait. Now he’s stopped to examine a small scab, and well, that’s it. The ref says it’s over. I guess that’s it, then.”

All we get is B. Somebody needs to put some stoppage to stoppage time.

This is the almost-as-annoying corrollary to the “they just stand in the corner with the ball, that’s annoying!” complaint.  Here’s the deal with stoppage time.  When the clock hits 45 minutes or 90 minutes, there’ll be a little +X sign next to the clock.  That X is usually <5.  That is the number of minutes that will be added to the end of the half.  It is not set in stone, because something else may happen that extends the game.  Imagine this scenario:

Kaka has the ball with 15 seconds left…he kicks the ball out of bounds so Brazil can make a sub…and he slowly walks off…and that’s the game.  Yeah, that’s much better.

And usually, the referee allows that amount of time, plus one last gasp for the losing team, if it’s a 1 goal game.  That’s fine by me, and it’s only worked FOREVER.

Sigh.  Last one.  Hope it’s good…

10. The vuvuzelas from eardrum-hellas! Don’t tell me it’s discrimination to want them to stop. Don’t tell me it’s an essential part of South African culture. If it is, it’s an annoying part of their culture. Yes, I know that centuries ago, the vuvuzelas were made from animal horns to call the village elders in for a meeting. And I’ll bet you five wildebeests that when the elders finally got to the meeting they said, “Would you STOP already with the blowing? You’re making me crazy!” I’ve been to Africa four times. They do some of the most beautiful singing you can imagine. At the World Cup, I’m hearing no singing. I’m hearing no chanting. I’m hearing 80,000 kazoos on steroids.

OHSWEETJESUS…Vuvuzelas again?  So you had a list of “10 ways to fix the World Cup,” then 3 of them are the same, at least 3 are mere observations, and maybe, MAYBE one of them is coherent?  This is unbelieveable. And “vuvuzelas” and “hellas” don’t even rhyme.  Oh, I see.  You added an abritrary ending to “eardrum” to make them rhyme, even though “hellas” is an actual word in and of itself.  That’s brilliant writing.

Maybe I’ve gone overboard here, but this is one of the reasons I don’t want soccer to catch on too much. There are more than enough lazy columnists out there that are willing to play the part of Prototypical Ignorant American when it comes to soccer, and Rick Reilly is just the one with the biggest megaphone.  But we also give the biggest megaphones to the guys we expect to have the most to say, and there’s nothing of value here.

In fact, I’d rather hear a vuvuzela than Reilly via megaphone, amirite?!?!

On one hand, the France team has been exceptionally childish this whole tournament.  So childish, in fact, that France team director Jean-Louis Valentin has resigned.  But on the other hand, a trainer has no business striking out at a player (or rather, slapping out.  He’s French after all…).

Just for good measure, here’s the players sitting on the team bus, curtains drawn:

The French bus sits parked outside their abandoned training session, curtains drawn.

What do you think? Domenech is a terrible coach, but did he deserve this kind of mutiny from the players?  Can we have Ireland or a whole new French 23 play the next game?  Make no mistake, Domenech left enough talented players at home…

[Video courtesy of @OffsideSarah]

[Photo courtesy of @JamesHorncastle]

UPDATE: French Journalist quotes Nicolas Anelka a little too directly live on ESPN:

[Video from The Big Lead]

Well, we were wrong.  Torres, aside from his dangerous free kick from a tight angle, was bad.  He drifted around aimlessly, he didn’t spray the ball with his usual quickness, and was caught in possession several times in dangerous spots.  Fortunately none of them caused any direct goal scoring chances, but they put our defense under pressure.  He still has his strengths, but to this point we’d not yet seen his warts on display in a big game.  Well, there they were, and this is why Ricardo Clark, Benny Feilhaber, or Maurice Edu should probably be paired with Bradley from here on out to start.

Ahhh, Edu.  And more specifically, his shoulda-coulda-been goal. Mostly regarded as a defensive center midfielder he’s shown in his play for the United States that, like his center midfield partner Michael Bradley, he is capable of getting forward as well.  For me, Edu should start in the final group game against the Algerians, as he’s shown himself to be quite capable in the center of the midfield.  He’s not a great fit at defense, but he and Bradley are a versatile combination that seems to work well together and provide heart up the spine.  He’s also got the experience of playing at a big club, and being in charged atmospheres at Glasgow Rangers.  Torres is probably better suited to come off the bench, a la Herculez Gomez, and I’m not sure what to make of Clark.  I wouldn’t be devastated if we didn’t see him again for awhile.

Which brings me to the big man himself, Bob Bradley. He certainly has his detractors (Alexi Lalas being perhaps the most vocal), and I must admit that I was a bit concerned when, at halftime, he took off a forward and an attacking midfielder and a forward to replace them with two more typical midfielders.  They really worked to hold possession and keep the pressure on, though, and Feilhaber really played well. With Donovan, Dempsey, and Altidore working well together in the final third, maybe leaving them some space and supporting them with possession minded players like Edu, and Michael Bradley.

The big remaining question is who to bring on in place of Robbie Findley, who is out after picking up a 2nd yellow for a headball.  I mean handball, they called it a handball.  My / his mistake.

I’ve been against using Clint Dempsey as a forward because I think he’s more dangerous on a wing, and he has said he prefers to play midfield.  But what Landon did to get himself more involved in the 2nd half was to get off his sideline and come into the middle, and I think Dempsey needs to do the same.  Moving him up as a forward would allow him some freedom to move and run free with Altidore, and Clint really needs to get more involved.  This also gives us the option of bringing on an experienced player like Damarcus Beasley or Feilhaber to fill the open spot, rather than throwing Edson Buddle or Herculez Gomez into the fire.

What do you think?  Does the First Family of American Soccer, aka the Bradleys, have a free pass for awhile?  Who should Bob play in the spot of Robbie Findley?

2. Real Salt Lake–Outside of LA, who’s in another Galaxy (eh? See what I did there?), Real Salt Lake is the best team in the league.  They’re nearly unbeatable at home, and with Robbie Findley setting the pace supported by Raging Soccer favorite Kyle Beckerman, RSL seems just about the only team capable of denying LA this season.

3. Colorado Rapids–They don’t play pretty, but they get results.  A trio of 1-0 victories preceded a 2-2 tie in Chicago prior to the break, with forward Conor Casey notching a stoppage time goal to get the Rapids a point on the road. 

4. Columbus Crew–One of only two teams with a positive goal differential (Toronto being the other) in the east, the Crew go into the World Cup break garnering only 1 point from their last 3 games.  They should emerge stronger from the break a bit healthier and with Robbie Rogers and Chad Marshall back and will likely pull away from the field in the East. 

5. Toronto FC–They’re 4 points behind the New York Red Bulls in the East, but have fared better over their recent contests and were able to pick up 3 points from a road contest in San Jose.  New York lost that fixture 4-0, and it was probably uglier than that.  After losing three of their first four the Canadians have turned it on, going undefeated in their last five games going into the break.

6. San Jose Earthquakes–Losing to Dallas was not the best way to go into the break, but the aforementioned home defeat of NYRB keeps them ahead of the Red Bulls for now.

7. NY Red Bulls–They’re second place in the Eastern Conference, but they have a negative goal differential. The pending arrival of Thierry Henry could turn things around for them, and a strikeforce of Juan Pablo Angel and Henry, while expensive, will mean they’re never out of any game. 

8. FC Dallas–With a league high 6 ties, FC Dallas is close to getting to good.  They’re trending in the right direction and have played only 11 games, so they’re another side that could excel after the break.  They’ll be favorites in their first three games when the slate resumes and should make a move on the Earthquakes and Rapids (@Chivas, KC, @SEA).

9. Houston Dynamo–Houston is really a team that should be doing better.  They’ve lost their last 3, and their record on the road is pathetic (1-4-1).  If they can improve that pattern even slightly they’ll be in competition for a playoff spot.

10. Seattle Sounders–Seattle’s another side that should really be doing better, but in fairness to them they’ve been equally disappointing at home and on the road.  After last year’s fast start, Seattle has hit a skid and hasn’t been able to recover.  Freddie Montero seemingly has one foot out the door already and may not last the season in the Pacific Northwest, robbing the Sounders of their best player.  I’d like to say I see good things for the Sounders…but I don’t.

11. Chicago Fire–Maybe I should have Chicago ahead of Seattle, but I’ll hold off for one more week.  They’ve gotten points from their last 4 contests, and pass the eye test.  They seem to play well even when they don’t get results, and already occupy the 4th spot in the East.  If they can bolster the roster to at least keep pace with New York, the Fire will be in the running for the East.

12. Kansas City Wizards–Kansas City is just good enough to play with anyone (see their goalless draw against LA), but just bad enough to lose to anyone if they don’t show up (0-3 loss at Houston, 1-4 loss at Real Salt Lake).

13. New England Revolution–I was going to say that the Revs were boosted by the return of Steve Ralston, but he had to go and get himself hurt in a friendly match.  The Revs probably belong down here, though it pains me to say that about such a proud, traditionally strong franchise.

14. DC United–DC United has proven pretty toothless in attack this year, but the arrival of Branko Boškovic might provide the creative spark they’re looking for.  So far, though, they’ve struggled.  They’ve picked up 7 points from their last 3 games, each against bad opponents, and a run at a playoff spot isn’t out of the question–they’re only 4 points behind 4th place Chicago (though the Fire have a game in hand).

15. Chivas USA–A disappointing season for Chivas got even worse when it was revealed star Sacha Kljestan was leaving Chivas for Belgium.  They’ll probably be battling with Philly for the bottom spot for the rest of the year.

16. Philadelphia Union–The Good:  Ummm…They beat Houston on the road.  The Bad: Just about everything else.  They lost five of their first six, but have been decent since and might push Chivas down to the bottom of the rankings by the end of the year.  They’re an expansion side, so low expectations might get them the benefit of the doubt for the rest of the year.

What do you think?  Should Chicago or New York be higher?  Should Chivas earn the bottom spot?  Do you see anyone overtaking LA at any point this year?

Group G

Brazil should easily win all 3 games in this group with their class, talent, and pedigree.  Second place will go to either Ivory Coast or Portugal, with my nod going to Ivory Coast.  Drogba’s return will give the country from the home continent the advantage over a struggling Portugal side, whose fans won’t travel well.  North Korea is a big unknown and could surprise either Ivory Coast or Portugal if they don’t show up, and I think if that happens it’s more likely to occur against Cristiano Ronaldo’s side than the Ivorians.

Critical Players: Cristiano Ronaldo (M, Portugal), Luis Fabiano (F, Brazil), Jong Tae-se (F, North Korea)

Group H

Much as in Group G, there’s a clear winner here: Spain.  The Spaniards should run away with this one regardless of the health of Andres Iniesta, and the other three teams will battle it out for second.  Honduras is in danger of having both David Suazo and Wilson Palacios miss time, which would cripple their chances of emerging from an otherwise wide-open trio.  The Swiss are a solid side, but captain Alex Frei is in danger of missing time as well.  This leaves Chile as my choice (and they’d have been my choice anyway) to emerge in second place.  The Chileans play a very attractive, attacking brand of soccer and would make an excellent side for Americans to support if they’re looking to have a second horse in the race.

Critical Players: Fernandes (M, Switzerland), Mark Gonzalez (M/F, Chile), Joan Capdevilla (D, Spain)

Photo From Sohn/AP and the NY Daily News

1.  Green Made America’s Day:  Robert Green should just be happy this happened in the first game and not the last (though it will likely be HIS last at the 2010 World Cup), because I’d hate to see what happened upon his return if it were.  Tabloid writers will splash “Green’s Gaffe!” across their front pages, and England is still in position to win the group.  Today couldn’t have turned out better for them, really.  The rest of the British will be exceptionally bitter even if they win the group, because they’ll have to put up with the little brother soccer fans from America reminding them about it until the two sides next play a meaningful game.  I almost think it would have been better if Altidore’s shot off the post in the 2nd half were the only goal the Americans scored, at least that would have been more “legitimate” in their eyes.  Then again, he beat Jaime Carragher, so maybe they’re about even.

2.  Who Showed Up?:  Tim Howard did.  Steve Cherundolo did.  Oguchi Onyewu did.  I thought Robbie Findley did, too, in the first half, anyway.  Jozy Altidore put a shot off the post in the 2nd half, but couldn’t connect on a perfect cross from Landon Donovan in the 20th minute.  If you’d told me that Clint Dempsey and Landon Donovan would be nearly invisible (save for Dempsey’s goal / Green’s aforementioned gaffe) and we’d tie, I’d be ecstatic.  Neither influenced the game in any meaningful way, but a point is a great result.

3.  Now the Pressure’s On:  The US got their point from the England match, and that’s all well and good.  But now comes the hard work: winning World Cup matches.  The US will be favorites against both Slovenia on Friday and Algeria on June 23rd.  Failure to win either of those games would be a disappointment, and failing to win both could prevent the US from making it out of the group.  Slovenia is generally regarded as the better of the two opponents, so a let down in the next game could spell trouble for the Americans.

4. Nice Try, Fabio and Stevey G:

Following the game, goal scorer Steven Gerrard and coach Fabio Capello blamed the ball for Green’s soft goal.  For all the talk about the Jabulani, that wasn’t to blame on Dempsey’s shot.  Green didn’t get all the way around it, left his right side open, and the power of the shot and the wet grass allowed the ball to skid, bouncing off of Green’s hands and in.  Capello also dodged assuring Green of the starting spot against Algeria, putting Joe Hart and David “Calamity” James on notice this week during training.

5.  Changes are Afoot for the Three Lions:  Ledley King has been ruled out for the English against Algeria, meaning Carragher will likely get the start, and call-up Michael Dawson is the first choice central defender off the bench.  Emile Heskey was particularly awful as well, but Capello has a couple of options to replace him.

1. Replace Heskey with Jermaine Defoe.
2. Replace Heskey with Peter Crouch.
3. Change formations, bringing on Joe Cole and leaving Wayne Rooney as the lone striker.

Either way, if Capello gives Heskey another chance he may want join Robert Green in ducking out the side door on the return to England.

What did everyone think of the result? Leave your thoughts below, I’ll be around to discuss.

Predicted Order of Finish:

1. Slovakia–It’s almost blasphemy to pick a team other than Italy to win the group, but here we are.  Slovakia’s creative, intricate attack could provide issues for the older Italians and the lumbering Paraguayans, to say nothing of New Zealand who is perhaps the weakest team in the tournament.  With Marek Hamsik pulling the strings on offense and a back line bolstered by Martin Škrtel, Slovakia has plenty of talent, though their inexperience may doom them later on.  I expect the Slovaks to win the weakest group of the tournament before falling in the round of 16.

2. Paraguay–This is really a toss up for me between Paraguay and Italy, but I’ve selected Paraguay as my 2nd team to make it through.  Lacking a creative midfield option, the Paraguayans will rely on Oscar Cardozo and Nelson Haedo Valdez to score goals.  If rarely-used Manchester City striker Roque Santa Cruz can help out too, the more the merrier.  Paraguay will also have the benefit of playing the Italians without Andrea Pirlo in the first game of the group.

3.  Italy–Italy is picked by most to win the group, and I wouldn’t be stunned by any finish 1-3 for the Azzuri.  But with star midfielder Andrea Pirlo out for at least the first two games (the 2nd of which is an expected win against New Zealand), they’ll struggle to find a way through the Paraguayan defense.  The Italians are aging, and as in 1986 where they took much of the 1982 champions, will struggle mightily.

Also, as a Juventus fan, I cannot impress upon the casual fan how awful they were this season, and how choosing 8 players from that squad is mind-boggling.

4.  New Zealand–Probably the weakest team in the tournament, I hope they enjoy their 2 week stay in South Africa.  Taking even a point from any of their games would be surprising.

Players to Watch

1. Marek Hamsik (MF, Slovakia)–The 22-year old Napoli man will leave the Slovakians into this group, and his success or failure will mirror that of the Slovakians.  As of this afternoon he also has a verbal agreement to extend his stay in Nap0li until 2015, allowing the young maestro to focus his attention solely on the World Cup.

2. Alberto Gilardino (FOR, Italy)–With Andrea Pirlo out of at least the first two games of the tournament, it’s difficult to see where goals will come from for the Azzuri.  Gilardino and Vincenzo Iaquinta will be under a lot of pressure to perform, but it’s Gilardino that is better able to create for himself.  If Gilardino disappoints, so will the Azzuri.

3. Oscar Cardozo (FOR, Paraguay)–Cardozo scored goal every game and a half for Portugese champions Benfica this year, though he has not been nearly as prolific for his national side.  There, he prefers to work with Nelson Valdez.  With his versatility and an aging back line for the Italians, I expect Paraguay to find their way through the Italians and send them home early.

Predicted Order of Finish

1. Holland–Perpetually one of the most talented teams in the field, it is usually infighting that sets the Dutch back.  There seems to be no such issue this time around, and the attacking quartet of Wesley Sneijder, Arjen Robben, Robin Van Persie, and Dirk Kuyt is the most dangerous offense in the tournament outside of Spain.  If their suspect back four can be just average, the Dutch should not only win the group, but advance deep into the tournament.

Oh, but that back four.  Gio Van Branckhorst is 35 years old, and Gregory van der Wiel on the other side lacks experience.  There’s little room for error here, and the Dutch routinely under perform.  But there’s a sense of excitement around this team, and it’s easy to see why.

2. Denmark–The Danes were in a very tough qualifying group that featured Portugal, Sweden, and an improving Hungary side, and won it.  They’re not spectacular anywhere, but they’re solid everywhere, and 22 year old Arsenal striker Niklas Bendtner fancies himself as a future best-player-in-the-world.  If he can start to fulfill that promise and at least equal Samuel Eto’o, the Danes should make it through over Cameroon.

3. Cameroon–Cameroon was an overlooked African side with Ghana and Ivory Coast, along with the host South Africa until just a few weeks ago.  With the injuries to Michael Essien and Didier Drogba though, Cameroon has become the host continent’s best hope to progress to the knockout stage of the tournament.  With star striker Samuel Eto’o becoming more erratic in recent weeks, first threatening retirement then picking up a red card in the first half during a friendly against Portugal, the hopes of Cameroon have dipped a bit.  Though their defense is weak, if he Eto’o can get focused and play well, The Indomitable Lions may well surpass Denmark and advance after all.

4. Japan–The Japanese are a solid team that has just been drawn into a very unfortunate group.  Striker Keisuke Honda acquitted himself very well with CSKA Moscow this year, but the Japanese struggle against more physical teams (like say, Denmark and Cameroon).  And asking them to take even a point from Holland is a tall order.  In any other group they’d be a dark horse candidate to advance, but here…it’s doubtful, at best.

Players to Watch

1. Wesley Sneijder (AM, Holland)–Infighting routintely undoes the Holland squad, and if it were to happen this year it’d likely be a split between Camp Van der Vaart and Camp Sneijder, as there’s likely not room on the field for both of them.  Sneijder seems to have earned the first chance, and if he can silence his critics the Dutch could gel into a team capable of winning.  If he struggles and once again the camp is divided, an early exit following the group stages is likely.

2. Alex Song (MID, Cameroon)–Cameroon’s defense is suspect, but Song can do a lot to protect that group with a strong effort in the defensive midfield.  His hard work and strength in the midfield should free up Achille Emana to do what he does best-create.  But if Emana has to take a more defensive role then The Indomitable Lions will struggle to be creative enough to find their way through the Danish and Japanese defenses.

3. Niklas Bendtner (FOR, Denmark)–Bendtner has declared himself one of the best players in the world, and this group is his chance to prove that.  None of the other squads in this group feature strong defenses, and if he can fire in a crucial goal against Holland the Danes are more than solid enough through the rest of the lineup to frustrate the Oranje and set themselves up to win the group.  Unlike Eto’o, though, he doesn’t have to carry the load himself; Martin Jorgensen and Dennis Rommendahl are effective wings, and playmaker Christian Eriksen offers a very skilled option off the bench or in support.